Steak and pepper pie, roasties, salad; Nuii peanut butter ice cream
Another difficult day here.
As always, I got up with every good intention of being kind and patient with mum today. As always, within five minutes I had been followed around the house, told “you don’t like me, do you?” when I said I can’t fix her urinary issues, then told “I might as well die, then”.
Mum was difficult enough that even her favourite carer – the one who usually joins mum in treating me as a malfunctioning domestic appliance – noted that she was “being a bit unkind”. Despite that, I did enjoy a bit of schadenfreude listening to her trying to handle mum refusing to wash, or wear a continence pad, or eat the exact same breakfast she had yesterday because “I don’t eat that sort of thing”.
Welcome to my life, except you only get it for an hour, and without “I thought you loved me enough to [solve a problem that rests solely in the purview of medical professionals]”.
This little jab is merely a less disguised version of one mum has used my entire life: that I should be able to ‘fix’ whatever mum is concerned about at that particular moment, and if I can’t do so it means I don’t care enough to try. That familiarity somehow makes it hurt more, not less.
This afternoon one of mum’s friends came to visit, and mum was suddenly cheerful and bright and very enthusiastic about going out for a walk. I took the opportunity to enquire about a couple more flats: one is in the type of Victorian building that is reached by a flight of stone steps, so is an instant no, but the other is a real possibility and I’m going to view it on Tuesday afternoon.
Then mum came home and launched straight back into the never-ending complaint loop. She is obviously struggling this evening: she can’t keep track of what time it is, or what she’s supposed to be doing, and just wants me to fix the world for her. When I fail to do so, I get a teenager-ish eye roll, and am genuinely grateful she is at least not getting aggressive or tearful.
Dinner was pie – steak and peppercorn for me, lamb and mint for mum – with goose fat roasties, which mum randomly bought while out with Lady Friday earlier in the week. I have to admit that goose fat really does make for excellent roast potatoes.
Then I had my latest experiment in Nuii ice creams. These are the best I’ve tried so far: they really taste of both peanut butter and maple syrup, with a good layer of chocolate on the outside that cracks most pleasingly. I liked them so much I ate the whole box, and now feel slightly sick. Worth it, though.
Now it’s Strictly Come Yawning, and mum coming in every couple of minutes to ask “can you help me with…?” Roll on bedtime, and the arrival of the tabby teddy bear.
