Veg stirfry with rice; rhubarb and ginger cake

Today has been a Bad Day. (And my phone autocorrected that to “Another Bad Day”, which… well, you’re not wrong, phone.)

Mum continues to feel very unwell and, as a result, has been even more unpleasant to live with than usual. She has been in and out of my room all day, complaining about her head hurting, and having to wee too often, and her underwear being wet.

The last was by far the worst, as all sense of boundaries and appropriate behaviour have vanished. I have seen parts of my mother that I have absolutely no desire to see, as she demonstrated where the wetness was coming from.

She cannot – or doesn’t want to – understand that there’s nothing more I can do: I have secured her antibiotics, washed her damp undergarments, provided her with food and hot drinks, and consuled her every 30 seconds on demand. This wasn’t enough for mum: “I thought we were friends, why won’t you help me?”

Crisis point arrived in that second: I retreated as rapidly as dignity and dodgy legs allowed to the bathroom, where I cried as quietly as I could.

I used the NHS 111 website to call for help, as I just can’t do this anymore. I know mum is feeling unwell, but the constant “will you help me? Can’t you do something? Don’t you love me anymore?” has worn me down to the point that I really don’t know if I can keep safely caring for mum if we don’t get urgent help.

For now I’m just waiting for the 111 clinician to call back, so other things I have achieved today:

• I set up an account on the local Council’s social housing website, and submitted my application for a place on the (very long) waiting list for a home. I still need to add the supporting evidence, but mum’s patience with me ‘working’ was up at that point so I’ve saved that for another day.
• I posted on a carer’s support website about my plan to move out, and the couple of people around to respond on a Sunday afternoon were of the strong opinion that I should ignore the guilt and go.
• I placed the next grocery order, before I forget that we’re running low on cat food. And probably human food, too, but Suki of course comes first.
• I made a cake, because my main way of calming my mind and emotions is to cook something.

For dinner I made what I intended to be a chicken and veg stirfry, only to forget to add the chicken. 🤦‍♂️ Mum looked at my offering and said “is that it?”, then poured cream all over her serving. I’m too tired and fed-up to care: if mum wants cream on her egg fried rice, she can go for it.

---

After a chat to a 111 call-handler – who was fantastically reassuring and sympathetic both to mum and to me – mum has settled enough that I could almost wonder if I imagined the earlier crisis. My exhaustion tells me it was real, though, and I only hope that the clinician, when they eventually call, is able to help.

I’ll let you know what happens, live(ish) on Facebook, and in tomorrow’s post.

Wish me luck, everyone: I think I’m going to need it.