Bacon steaks with rarebit melt, with jacket potatoes and salad

I want to say that it’s been a difficult day, but honestly it’s been much the same as any other day. I’m just so very tired.

I’m so tired of being tired.

I’m so tired of mum’s incessant complaining, which repeats over and over and over until I want to scream that yes, I heard her the first time, and she doesn’t need to repeat it every few seconds.

I’m so tired of mum telling me things, then telling me I’m lying if I repeat what she’s said or rely on it in any way.

I’m so tired of having to do all the legwork and research on managing various medical conditions, when it’s something the NHS should surely at least help with?

I’m so tired of mum’s thoughtless little slights, like today’s “oh, you don’t have weeing problems? Aren’t you lucky!” She apologised, but constant pain, an inability to walk more than a few steps, and the loss of my livelihood and independence don’t feel very lucky to me.

I’m so tired of having no privacy, no support, and little to no hope of things getting any better.

(I know things aren’t exactly easy for mum, either, and I do feel bad for complaining about her. But I really am very tired.)

I can’t say that I’ve achieved much today: I posted on a Facebook support group for mum’s condition and got more support and advice from a bunch of strangers than I have from the medical professionals that are meant to assist with such things.

I did manage not to cry more than a little, while mum was refusing to get up this morning, which feels like an achievement in itself. (I suspect I’m approaching carer burnout, but I’m not sure what I can do to stop it. It’s not like I can just walk out, even if I wanted to.)

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Dinner was bacon steaks (definitely not gammon steaks, which mum doesn’t like, even though they’re exactly the same thing), with jacket potatoes and salad. Mum gets so excited about the prospect of jacket potatoes that I’m not even considering trying the nightshade-free diet that has been suggested as being potentially helpful for managing lichen sclerosus. As for cutting out sugar: mum’s on her second pot of coffee ice cream o0f the day, so that’s just not happening.

And on that note, I’m off to find something sweet for myself. Goodness knows I need the energy: as I may have mentioned, I really am very tired.