Tempura prawns with giant couscous / vegetable noodle stirfry with duck snacks

I’m tired and not up for trying to string paragraphs into a coherent story, so here are a few observations from the last couple of days.

It’s funny how things come out of nowhere to ambush you with Feelings. Last night I was watching a programme about Gorey, a village on the Channel Island Jersey, and the presenter was scrambling around part of the Norman-era castle. I suddenly thought “I used to love doing that, and I’m never going to be able to do it again”. And I nearly cried, but didn’t because I didn’t want to explain my tears to mum.

The last thing mum said yesterday before lying down to sleep was “I’ve got the new Radio Times to read, so sleep as long as you need to”. So this morning I was wandering through a park, nibbling on a croissant, when a voice out of nowhere said “are you awake yet?”. I replied “yes”, and I suddenly was. Mum apologised many times for waking me, while I was just impressed with myself for answering her from within a dream.

Mum is meant to be going to church tomorrow morning, so for the past couple of days hasn’t had even the smallest amount of anxiety, she’s looking forward to going, and it will be OK won’t it? The fact all her health problems have come out in full force does not mean she’s anxious. At all.

Dealing with someone with severe anxiety is difficult enough, but it’s even more so when the someone won’t accept she has anxiety and so dismisses all my suggestions of ways to feel better. The only time she went more than a few minutes without saying something about one of her health problems was when I lost my balance just enough to stagger into the cup of coffee mum had just made me. Her instant irritation was enough to send me into flashbacks to my childhood, but at least it distracted her from feeling unwell for a few minutes.

Today I wrapped the presents mum bought for her three closest friends – or, at least, the friends she vaguely suggested that she wanted to get presents for and then left to me to select, buy, receive, and wrap on her behalf. And by ‘wrapping’ I mean putting in gift bags, as actual wrapping wasn’t in my skill-set even before this whole disability thing.

For last night’s dinner I threw some tempura-battered prawns into the oven, heated some ready-made sweet chilli sauce, and cooked some Mediterranean vegetable giant couscous, then put the three together in a bowl. It was OK.

Tonight’s dinner was barely more complicated: Tesco Finest duck snacks (I don’t think that’s what it says on the label, but it’s what they are) cooked in the oven, served with rice noodles, red onion, and green beans stirfried with a sauce of soy sauce, sesame oil, and some ‘spicy stirfry’ spice mix from my Advent calendar.

The duck things were actually quite nice, and I don’t usually like duck very much. When I mentioned this, Mum said “neither do I”, then made it out to be a joke when I pointed out that duck had always been one of her favourite things to eat, so now I don’t know where I stand.

Now mum is, of course, watching Strictly, while I hide in my bedroom and hope the sequins don’t come and get me.