Jacket potatoes with tuna mayo

Is there anything that makes you feel more helpless than seeing someone you love in pain and not being able to do anything to help?

Mum has spent the day varying between feeling very uncomfortable and being in enough pain to make her cry, and there has been nothing I can do about it. A couple of times I have come near to tears myself, of frustration but also of loneliness: I feel totally responsible for mum’s wellbeing, or otherwise, and I’m not remotely confident that I’m competent to do so.

Every time we have a visit from a medical person, like yesterday, I go away feeling that we might be getting somewhere, then the next day I realise that I still have nothing to relieve mum’s pain or other symptoms.

Mum’s finally feeling a little better now, but is already dreading waking up tomorrow to find the pain is back. I hate it when she asks me – begs me, really – to help her, and I have to say that I would if I could, but I really don’t know how.

I bloody hate being a carer.

Dinner tonight was jacket (baked) potatoes, although mum only ate half of one and they weren’t exactly big potatoes. She did manage some coffee ice cream afterwards, which I’m not sure is a good idea but I didn’t have the heart to tell her not to when it’s something that makes her happy.

And that was today, one of those days where the difference between blog post and venting journal is very hard to spot. Apologies for that, if required, and thank you for keeping me company, even if only virtually.