Sticky BBQ pork, giant couscous and feta salad, roast garlic flatbread, salad

Today has been one of those days when I have had to repeatedly remind myself that I love my mother and have chosen to be a carer. Having had depression and anxiety throughout most of my adult life you would think I would be more sympathetic to the negativity and occasional bouts of outright hostility, and I really am, but it gets seriously tiresome after a while.

And so it was that I was outside on the pavement awaiting the community bus, alone because mum felt “too wobbly” to accompany me to the GP surgery to collect the sampling tube for a urine test, without which they won’t do anything to help with mum’s symptoms. I hadn’t even got on the bus before mum called to check up on me, and in the 50-odd minutes I was out she called a further 11 times, three of which I answered. (The others were when I couldn’t get to my phone because I was using my crutches to walk, so she just kept phoning until I answered.)

[Mum is feeling a bit better this evening: when I just mentioned wanting a cat, she agreed with me, whereas when she’s feeling low and anxious she doesn’t want another one. I’m going to have to come up with another mental scale to acknowledge the relationship between how mum feels and her desire to own a cat. ]

By the time I got home, in possession of a jar of coffee to stave off the imminent decaffeination, the staff on the bus were intensely sorry for me, and I was intensely exhausted. How I’ve made it through to this evening without falling asleep or finally snapping “the stomach ache is caused by anxiety: it always is and always will be, so please stop going on about it as if it’s something new and terrible”.

Dinner was ready-prepared meat from the freezer – lamb and mint kebabs for mum, BBQ belly pork for me¹Dinner was ready-prepared meat from the freezer – lamb and mint kebabs for mum, BBQ belly pork for me – with giant couscous salad from Sainsbury’s (delicious, but spicy enough to shock even me at the first bite), salad, and garlic flatbread. Mum ate her meal with the sort of appetite I hoped for given she had had only a bowl of cornflakes to eat all day, and gave it a “hmm” of approval.

Mum and I will shortly be going to our separate rooms to play games on our kindles (mahjong for mum, a new survivalist rpg for me until I decide the graphics are just too bad and go back to my colouring app instead) and, in my case, make a start on the giant bar of hazelnut chocolate that’s been calling my name ever since I bought it a few days ago.

Goodnut… I mean night, everyone! 🍫

1. I haven’t eaten pork since getting home late last year as mum doesn’t like it, and the first bite was sheer bliss. ↩︎